Happy Victoria Day!
If you're not Canadian, today is the last day of a glorious long weekend we call "May two-four weekend". Historically, this is the first camping weekend in Canada and it's usually cold and rainy. This year, it's been freaking hot and sunny. Kids got lucky!
This is the first weekend to plant stuff, knowing all threat of frost is over, so garden centres are busy. For those in their late teens to early 20's, it's May 2-4 Weekend - the first "warm enough to camp" weekend to kick off the summer, which means a case of 24 beer, a tent, and a rush on reserving the *perfect* camping lot in a provincial park. For the smart, it's the wild outdoors in a secluded piece of forest or land somewhere, unpoliced by park authority, night noise and drinking rules. You can be as loud and drunk as you want only if you're not in a provincial park and not near any developed land. It's well known that it's always cold and rainy on May 2-4 weekend (in Ontario anyway). So we all stop camping that weekend in our 20's usually because it stops being fun freezing your ass off drinking and sleeping in rain and on wet muddy ground. Thank GOD I'm too old for that shit anymore. If you're over 25 and still doing this May 2-4 camping & drinking crap, that's not a good sign. "Don't you have a job? Can't you afford a nice May 2-4 getaway in a hotel or huge rented cabin/cottage with beds, hot water, electricity??" <-- That's what we all tell ourselves by age 25. (Note: I was never one of the *smart* campers. We always ended up in provincial parks.)
Queen Victoria would be so proud to know how Canadians honour her birthday, right?
So where have I been since the end of March and why am I here? I keep telling myself I want to blog but lack of time, health and writing inspiration gets in my way.
I've been in a fight (against illness) to the death (or hospitalization at least) to get our website completed, deal with my health (hah...hahahahahahahaha...ugh), wrap up the heaviest load of volunteer responsibility on me for our organization, sell my truck, and kill ants in my house. I'm starting to feel like this shit is never going to end and that I'm getting nowhere fast. That's just burnout. But I need a serious long break from responsibility. I need to take care of my health and try to get stable.
Just popped in to share how MY May 2-4 weekend has been. Well, I was in Toronto all week to see my special rare disorder butt kicking doctor, get the truck serviced (so I can sell it), and relax with Little Brothers 1 & 2. I haven't seen any family since Christmas. I was so looking forward to getting last week DONE. It was a rough week for all except the family part. Got home late on Friday. Stocked up on a few necessities, ate a lot of meds, cranked up the A/C and have been resting in my house ever since eating a lot of medication and recovering. Brutal week but now it's over. Thank god.
While in Toronto, LB1 told me the most wonderful news - Diablo III is out! It exists! I miss Diablo. When I left work in 2000, that game got me through. I wore it out - Diablo I and II. Then I was over it. Now, I feel like I'm in a similar situation - too sick to do anything, suffering, stuck in my house, so bring on Diablo III. I bought it while in Toronto. So weird how the world has changed. Now there's no store to go to, no disks or CD's to buy to install. Just pay online and download it. Bizarre but fabulous. So LB 1 played it all day Friday while I dealt with symptoms and my health. I was too sick to play Diablo. On Saturday, I cracked the game open and started playing. Heaven. This game is the best distraction ever. A heating pad and Diablo are the best natural pain relievers on the planet.
Yesterday, Sunday, at some point I looked up and noticed in the wee view through the mostly closed blinds (to keep sun/heat out) that something shiny was on my front lawn. What the hell is that?
I opened the front door, and there they were - 12 motorbikes lined up on my front lawn in front of my house. The new neighbour (2 years I think but still new to me) has bikes. A lot of them. I keep my distance because....is he in a gang or just having a mid-life crisis? This weekend he had a party of sorts. They RAN OUT OF ROOM in his driveway and on his lawn so his *friends* started parking on MY LAWN.
At this point, I was through the worst of the travel effects and symptoms but still not good. I just need a few days of peace, quiet, and game playing. This was the last f'n thing I needed. One guy was in the process of parking his bike on my lawn, so I opened the door, charged outside and yelled at him "Hey! No no no no no. Get the bikes off my lawn!" Walking over to him, resplendent in painful glory looking like I'd cut someone probably if they looked at me the wrong way, I asked "are you guys in a gang? or are you just guys who like bikes?" Seems to me the way he answered was not true ("we just like bikes") but I ignored it. I said, "get the bikes OFF my lawn. Now." That's how sick I was. I yelled at people who may or may not be in a gang because at that point I didn't care who killed me - bikers or my illness, bring it the F on! I don't care! I'm done with this suffering and upset! That's how I felt at the time. Today I'm thinking....smart move idiot. Jeepers. I need stronger pain medication.
My other neighbour's 13 year old son was outside and he said as I walked back to my front door, "thank goodness they were nice" to which I replied "I don't f'n care who they are. This is bullshit and I'm not up for this crap right now." Last thing I needed on the heels of a long painful week....f'n bikers next door having a party and parking on my lawn. I should just move to a reservation at this point. For f**k's sake.
Today is my last day for me, myself and I. Tomorrow I have fellow patients to help, a board meeting this week to prepare for, and finally to finish our website. So I can rest and just focus on my health. And put my truck up for sale.
Never thought I'd ever say this but - I hate this truck. I'm over it. Done. But that's a post for a different day.
Oh, almost forgot what prompted me to write today! The Bloggess has a book being published, based on her blog, life, etc. It has A MOUSE ON THE COVER. For F**K's SAKE. Even my mouse identity is being exploited by others! ( kidding, half, really? a mouse?? ) News about her book is here. Her blog is here. The Beyonce Chicken story is here and it's fabulous.
I may not blog as wittily as her, but I had the mouse first. ;-) Oh I know, I'm cranky, just bear with me. I'll be better next month hopefully. For F's sake.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Sunday, April 01, 2012
What's going on Canada?
Updated to new blogger and we're still here! Whew. I was worried.
In the last week, Canada's federal government (which prefers to call itself the "Harper Government" instead of the "Government of Canada") has killed the penny, raised the retirement age to 67 instead of 65 (supposedly to save on Old Age Security payments), and handed down a new budget which is scaring a lot of Canadians.
We don't know some important details in this budget. They refer to making "cuts" but won't explicitly state how much or where they're going to cut healthcare for instance. They're not enforcing the Canada Health Act already so this is worrisome. They're busy passing massive crime laws while opting not to enforce some very important laws already in place.
This is our Conservative government.
At the same time, for a month or more, there's been an investigation into the last federal election. It looks like voter suppression was heavily in play and they may not have legitimately won as many seats as they did. Or something. Approximately one month ago, the phrase "Canada's Watergate" was floated in a news article or two. This is serious.
It's hard enough keeping up with healthcare. Add in all this other stuff and Canadians are feeling like everyday is a new whiplash injury. Inflicted by our federal government.
I live in a country I don't recognize anymore. That's unsettling to say the least.
In the last week, Canada's federal government (which prefers to call itself the "Harper Government" instead of the "Government of Canada") has killed the penny, raised the retirement age to 67 instead of 65 (supposedly to save on Old Age Security payments), and handed down a new budget which is scaring a lot of Canadians.
We don't know some important details in this budget. They refer to making "cuts" but won't explicitly state how much or where they're going to cut healthcare for instance. They're not enforcing the Canada Health Act already so this is worrisome. They're busy passing massive crime laws while opting not to enforce some very important laws already in place.
This is our Conservative government.
At the same time, for a month or more, there's been an investigation into the last federal election. It looks like voter suppression was heavily in play and they may not have legitimately won as many seats as they did. Or something. Approximately one month ago, the phrase "Canada's Watergate" was floated in a news article or two. This is serious.
It's hard enough keeping up with healthcare. Add in all this other stuff and Canadians are feeling like everyday is a new whiplash injury. Inflicted by our federal government.
I live in a country I don't recognize anymore. That's unsettling to say the least.
Upgrading blog
Blogger is telling me they are upgrading their blogging format. I'm hitting the "Update Now" button. Hope the blog is still here afterwards!
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Living Years
Genetic results from my participation in a study for myeloproliferative neoplastic disorders came in last week. The study is focusing in part on my illness. Since I am female, the Y chromosome is missing meaning most of my results are based on maternal line only. The study was offered at no cost to MPN patients via https://www.23andme.com/mpnAs a result, I've found two 2nd cousins from my Father's side. Our family does not have any health information from our paternal line. The information learned from new-found relatives has been amazing. I'm sick because of my paternal line. My Father died of my disorder in aggressive form.
These relatives have undertaken an intensive genealogy study of our paternal lineage. These days, I lack time and energy to get into that but did share 10 pages of genealogical history I had from my Father. Then the photo albums were scoured. I've scanned and uploaded all photos they might find helpful to continue their group efforts. It will be a year perhaps before I can pursue this genealogy project in any detail. My non-profit efforts take priority these days, in addition to trying to stabilize my own health.
Dad's wallet is here at my home, along with other personal items of his I kept. Inside his wallet I found two photos. This was one of them. It's brand new to me as I've never seen it before.
What dreams people have when they fall in love and marry. Remembering my parents lives and our history together as a family has been healing and eye opening. In particular reflecting on my Father. Add in the boxes of hundreds of love letters I found, written between Mom and Dad over 10 years, and more things are making sense in a way I never would have considered. We made a mistake. Collectively, as a family, we made a serious mistake. I understand the why and how. If only as children we had the words and maturity to intervene, maybe we could fixed it. I'm very surprised by this realization. And now I have to find a way to come to terms with it. Plus keep it to myself because even raising this topic with siblings will only cause upset, awaken old wounds for them. So I'll keep it to myself. I prefer that I think anyway. We've all had enough upset and loss in life.
In the late 1980's, I worked in a law firm while putting myself through college full time. A radio played constantly over the speakers. It was the first time I heard this song. I remember stopping what I was doing and listening to it. My Dad was still alive then. I tried in later years to not waste the living years he had left. This song still gets to me and remains a favourite.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
When Words Fail Me
Today, well okay every day, but today I can tell is a bad day for words. I often have trouble remembering, recognizing, forgetting, spelling, leaving words out of sentences and just generally trying to communicate. But I read an article today and want to "speak" to it. Can't do it well.
Let's make a puzzle! hah. I'm making a Label for these posts, for posts created on the days I can't find my words. These posts will be presented in form of a puzzle of sorts. I'll highlight the points that grabbed my interest and leave it up to the reader to decide what it means, if anything, for you. This might be good training for those of you who have loved ones with dementia. :-) Look at this as my feeble attempt to provide a helpful service or experience on how to communicate with the brain impaired :-) And laugh. Laughter is a requirement and makes this process easier and more fun.
Okay, today's Globe & Mail has this article -
By Micah Toub: The Other Half - "Flirt away, it's all in the name of healthy jealousy" - Link: http://bit.ly/338ZOR
Excerpts:-
"In Dr. Hart's own study, she observed the behaviour of infants to get a picture of healthy jealousy before socialization and taboos are drilled into a kid's head. She put an infant in a room with its mother and then introduced a doll, which was given more attention than the human child. Most of the infants got upset at having their mother encroached upon by an intruder, but one in 50 did nothing at all. Far from being a healthy free lover in the making, Dr. Hart says, the unresponsive infant is not “securely attached” and will have problems later on in relationships."
[::]
"I like the idea that there's a certain part of us, of our affection, that we share with everyone. And what is that thing people always say – if you love someone, let them go socialize freely at a party without prowling about them constantly?"
Comment(s):-
1. "Jealousy and control are primary indicators of domestic violence. Women are not immune to being jealous and using controlling behaviours."
2. "Although there are some interactions with gender, the evidence is clear that control behavior and jealousy are strong predictors of aggression for both men and women"
3. "A flirty girl is a guys boyfriend/husband's worst nightmare. Dump her. I have no intentions to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my life."
then, my favourite out of all of them....
4. "I have much to detest about feminism. Of such, I am reminded about the rabid yellow journalism between the French and Germans at the outbreak of the First World War. Each nation's journals proclaimed the perceived qualities native to each and, of course, sang in praise of their own and lampooned that perceived of the other. However, one historical observer that I read noted that there were more difference within each nation's populace than to be found between the collective of each nation. But then, those were the times.
Feminism is merely rabid gender nationalism which makes intellectual dwarfs of all those who fall prey to its promises. They fail to see beyond into the universality of the issues concerning human nature, common to both genders. Or that the complaints they have of the other gender may emanate from a common human failure of both. Gender nationalism blights their perception of reality.
I fear, in your jihad against feminism, that you fallen prey to its opposite, masculinism which is just as pernicious to the soul. "
Fascinating, no?
p.s.Never mind. Fixed the date of posting!
Let's make a puzzle! hah. I'm making a Label for these posts, for posts created on the days I can't find my words. These posts will be presented in form of a puzzle of sorts. I'll highlight the points that grabbed my interest and leave it up to the reader to decide what it means, if anything, for you. This might be good training for those of you who have loved ones with dementia. :-) Look at this as my feeble attempt to provide a helpful service or experience on how to communicate with the brain impaired :-) And laugh. Laughter is a requirement and makes this process easier and more fun.
Okay, today's Globe & Mail has this article -
By Micah Toub: The Other Half - "Flirt away, it's all in the name of healthy jealousy" - Link: http://bit.ly/338ZOR
Excerpts:-
"In Dr. Hart's own study, she observed the behaviour of infants to get a picture of healthy jealousy before socialization and taboos are drilled into a kid's head. She put an infant in a room with its mother and then introduced a doll, which was given more attention than the human child. Most of the infants got upset at having their mother encroached upon by an intruder, but one in 50 did nothing at all. Far from being a healthy free lover in the making, Dr. Hart says, the unresponsive infant is not “securely attached” and will have problems later on in relationships."
[::]
"I like the idea that there's a certain part of us, of our affection, that we share with everyone. And what is that thing people always say – if you love someone, let them go socialize freely at a party without prowling about them constantly?"
Comment(s):-
1. "Jealousy and control are primary indicators of domestic violence. Women are not immune to being jealous and using controlling behaviours."
2. "Although there are some interactions with gender, the evidence is clear that control behavior and jealousy are strong predictors of aggression for both men and women"
3. "A flirty girl is a guys boyfriend/husband's worst nightmare. Dump her. I have no intentions to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my life."
then, my favourite out of all of them....
4. "I have much to detest about feminism. Of such, I am reminded about the rabid yellow journalism between the French and Germans at the outbreak of the First World War. Each nation's journals proclaimed the perceived qualities native to each and, of course, sang in praise of their own and lampooned that perceived of the other. However, one historical observer that I read noted that there were more difference within each nation's populace than to be found between the collective of each nation. But then, those were the times.
Feminism is merely rabid gender nationalism which makes intellectual dwarfs of all those who fall prey to its promises. They fail to see beyond into the universality of the issues concerning human nature, common to both genders. Or that the complaints they have of the other gender may emanate from a common human failure of both. Gender nationalism blights their perception of reality.
I fear, in your jihad against feminism, that you fallen prey to its opposite, masculinism which is just as pernicious to the soul. "
Fascinating, no?
p.s.Never mind. Fixed the date of posting!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Song Comments better than Misheard Lyrics
For your entertainment. These are freaking funny. Comments posted on song videos at YouTube.
Kansas: Dust in the Wind
Comments:-
1. "is he saying ducks in the wind ?"
2. "duzt in the wind ... my wedding zong may 20 ,2000"
followed by....
3. this 1 to be played at my funeral,i think it sums it up nicely
Boston: Don't Look Back
Comments:-
1. "the UFO is a guitar. I noticed that for the first time when i bought this vinyl in 1979 ;)"
...
ME right after reading that comment "OMFG I never knew that and I spent hours staring at that album cover in the 70's!"
Boston: Foreplay/Long Time
Comments:-
1. i'm a 3 year old inuit and this music ROCKS
2. I've been trapped under earthquake rubble for nearly three days, I'm 8 years old and I love this song!
3. I'm black and i'm 19 and i love this song
4. I'm 14 and I apologize for my generation's music. I'd take this any day!
Steely Dan: Reelin' in the Years
Comments:-
1. " "There is no fuckin' Ice Cream in your future!!" "
....
ME ... I have no idea what that means....
Kansas: Dust in the Wind
Comments:-
1. "is he saying ducks in the wind ?"
2. "duzt in the wind ... my wedding zong may 20 ,2000"
followed by....
3. this 1 to be played at my funeral,i think it sums it up nicely
Boston: Don't Look Back
Comments:-
1. "the UFO is a guitar. I noticed that for the first time when i bought this vinyl in 1979 ;)"
...
ME right after reading that comment "OMFG I never knew that and I spent hours staring at that album cover in the 70's!"
Boston: Foreplay/Long Time
Comments:-
1. i'm a 3 year old inuit and this music ROCKS
2. I've been trapped under earthquake rubble for nearly three days, I'm 8 years old and I love this song!
3. I'm black and i'm 19 and i love this song
4. I'm 14 and I apologize for my generation's music. I'd take this any day!
Steely Dan: Reelin' in the Years
Comments:-
1. " "There is no fuckin' Ice Cream in your future!!" "
....
ME ... I have no idea what that means....
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Doing Your Best
Our parents drilled this into most of us probably:- "Just do the best you can." Growing up, I often felt like my best fell far too short. That wasn't true but it's what I thought.
As an adult, I've often been wrong about where that line is, when I've met my "best" and that was enough. Something inside drives me to always want to do more, usually to do too much. This has been heavily in check for several years now. But there was so much happening at the same time, the line was missed, or ignored. Finally, since 2009 there were something like four different experiences in rapid succession that hit me over the head. As if the Universe was fed up with me and said - "we'll keep throwing this at you until you finally get it once and for all!"
Life isn't supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be extraordinarily difficult either. Some need to learn the hard way, some learn the right way with ease, some are just meant to have an inordinate number of difficulties no matter what they do. My life at points has been all three. Oy.
One of the most important things I finally did learn was that there is no need to repeat lessons you've already learned. Sometimes they show up, to test us I guess, but that doesn't mean you have to walk with it to the end. You know how it will go and you don't need to experience it again. Unless it's leading somewhere good. But i'm not talking about good or healthy roads here. I'm talking about the rough roads that end in with me being thrown off a cliff. That's the stuff I don't need to do again. I'm terrified of heights for a reason. hah!
When you've done your best, and you KNOW you've done your best, that's enough. It doesn't matter if someone else doesn't think you met THEIR best. That's their stuff. We only need to own OUR stuff, as individuals. And this is the biggest pain in the ass about people for me - too many people refuse to see, or cannot differentiate, between their stuff and other people's stuff.
Specific individuals have been very convincing in telling me they know their stuff. So I believe them. Things move forward and lo and behold, they haven't got a clue about their stuff. But they have a boatload of issues they want to project onto me. I'm expected to own the stuff they tell me I have to own. If I refuse, or worse - point out that their stuff is not my stuff - things quickly turn south.
I'm really tired of this pattern. It happens a lot. Beyond the experience itself, which is bad enough, it hurts and makes me sad. I've done enough sad years. I want happy. So anyone or anything that interferes with my happy .... now I walk away. I don't want to do that, it's not easy and actually hurts in certain circumstances, but I'm just done with the sads. You know?
That woman divorcing her husband, in that new blog found the other day, she's grappling now with boundaries. She's on that healing road I've travelled already. She's hitting all the points of mindfulness and awareness you have to address on that road. She's doing it really freaking fast compared to how long it took me! But I read her latest and thought...yeah, BUT....when you're married, that many years, and have kids together, boundaries erode. It's as if that's a requirement for marriage to work. I don't know for sure because i've never been married. But that's how it looks to me from the outside with every married couple I have ever known. So she's hard on herself for losing her boundaries. And she may be right. You don't have to lose yourself entirely. But to blame yourself... that doesn't seem fair.
This is a big reason I have never married and never wanted to either. Nobody ever crossed my path to make dropping that many boundaries worth it. That's not to say nobody was out there who would have suited. Honestly, I stopped looking in my 20's. Dates and relationships were just something to do, and they knew it. School and career were my priorities. My 30's were three last tries. Every single one progressively more regrettable than the one before. Finally I just gave up. The ultimate decider was a stalker but also my illness.
I'm going somewhere with this. I'm still trying to articulate it clearly. I hope this isn't utterly confusing or gibberish. Think this is all I can manage today.
Mike, thanks for following along :-) Sending happy thoughts to you and Champ and Psycho.
As an adult, I've often been wrong about where that line is, when I've met my "best" and that was enough. Something inside drives me to always want to do more, usually to do too much. This has been heavily in check for several years now. But there was so much happening at the same time, the line was missed, or ignored. Finally, since 2009 there were something like four different experiences in rapid succession that hit me over the head. As if the Universe was fed up with me and said - "we'll keep throwing this at you until you finally get it once and for all!"
Life isn't supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be extraordinarily difficult either. Some need to learn the hard way, some learn the right way with ease, some are just meant to have an inordinate number of difficulties no matter what they do. My life at points has been all three. Oy.
One of the most important things I finally did learn was that there is no need to repeat lessons you've already learned. Sometimes they show up, to test us I guess, but that doesn't mean you have to walk with it to the end. You know how it will go and you don't need to experience it again. Unless it's leading somewhere good. But i'm not talking about good or healthy roads here. I'm talking about the rough roads that end in with me being thrown off a cliff. That's the stuff I don't need to do again. I'm terrified of heights for a reason. hah!
When you've done your best, and you KNOW you've done your best, that's enough. It doesn't matter if someone else doesn't think you met THEIR best. That's their stuff. We only need to own OUR stuff, as individuals. And this is the biggest pain in the ass about people for me - too many people refuse to see, or cannot differentiate, between their stuff and other people's stuff.
Specific individuals have been very convincing in telling me they know their stuff. So I believe them. Things move forward and lo and behold, they haven't got a clue about their stuff. But they have a boatload of issues they want to project onto me. I'm expected to own the stuff they tell me I have to own. If I refuse, or worse - point out that their stuff is not my stuff - things quickly turn south.
I'm really tired of this pattern. It happens a lot. Beyond the experience itself, which is bad enough, it hurts and makes me sad. I've done enough sad years. I want happy. So anyone or anything that interferes with my happy .... now I walk away. I don't want to do that, it's not easy and actually hurts in certain circumstances, but I'm just done with the sads. You know?
That woman divorcing her husband, in that new blog found the other day, she's grappling now with boundaries. She's on that healing road I've travelled already. She's hitting all the points of mindfulness and awareness you have to address on that road. She's doing it really freaking fast compared to how long it took me! But I read her latest and thought...yeah, BUT....when you're married, that many years, and have kids together, boundaries erode. It's as if that's a requirement for marriage to work. I don't know for sure because i've never been married. But that's how it looks to me from the outside with every married couple I have ever known. So she's hard on herself for losing her boundaries. And she may be right. You don't have to lose yourself entirely. But to blame yourself... that doesn't seem fair.
This is a big reason I have never married and never wanted to either. Nobody ever crossed my path to make dropping that many boundaries worth it. That's not to say nobody was out there who would have suited. Honestly, I stopped looking in my 20's. Dates and relationships were just something to do, and they knew it. School and career were my priorities. My 30's were three last tries. Every single one progressively more regrettable than the one before. Finally I just gave up. The ultimate decider was a stalker but also my illness.
I'm going somewhere with this. I'm still trying to articulate it clearly. I hope this isn't utterly confusing or gibberish. Think this is all I can manage today.
Mike, thanks for following along :-) Sending happy thoughts to you and Champ and Psycho.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Love Can Lead You to the Truth
Where the hell have I been? I know. Sincere apologies for my absence. I was wrapping up some volunteer stuff and then managing illness. Both took longer than I expected, got complicated with extra stuff to handle, but both are finally easing. I think. I hope anyway.
The start of a new year is always filled with great plans and intentions. I should have delayed firing back up this blog for a few months. It's just that I could barely hold everything in. Developments in November, 2011, felt like someone turned on a lighthouse and aimed the beam of light right at me. The light was continually passing over me but it wasn't fixed. I jumped the gun and fired up this blog before I was able to handle it.
While enduring symptoms, I found the best distractions to be twitter (politics, arts, news, healthcare), tv and movies. All mindless, no pressure, all the time. That was all I could handle. Off and on I was thinking about this blog. I haven't been here because I couldn't figure out what to write, that was worth the energy, that I was okay with being public about and might be mildly entertaining.
What I like about twitter is that you only have to type 140 characters and then you're done, if you want. Your favourite writers (tweeters) come to you via your subscriber feed, but only while you're logged in. It's like going to a social event you'd never get invited to in real life. You see lots of people, but manage to find those you actually have common interests with, so it's stimulating. It's great for getting your mind off pain. When you're sick, that's perfect.
A few of you, my fav bloggers, are on twitter so I'm staying in touch there. That is fabulous. Social media shouldn't be a job or depressing (ahem...facebook), it should be enjoyable. I've decided twitter appeals to me because it's where the smart people hang out. Not that *I* am smart, but I can be in company of stimulating conversations even if I happen to be stupid. I don't have to speak unless I want to. And I don't have to Like, Share, Join, or Fan anyone or anything. Peer pressure is quickly shut down by most. If you're on twitter, leave your twitter name in comments or email it to me so I can follow you and say boo! But I have not given up on blogging. Sometimes, you have so much to say, twitter doesn't cut it. And many of YOU are not on twitter, so here I am. Still.
So last night, a circuitous reading path lead me to a fantastic blogger. She's married, but working toward - with a uniquely dedicated positive clear force - divorcing her adulterous husband. Her blog must be started at the first entry so it flows. You won't get it, or enjoy it, unless you start at the beginning, which is here . So if you're bored with me, move on to her. I won't be offended.
It's not a happy topic per se. I'm not happy this woman is having this horrid experience. I'm reading it because she's a great writer, inspiring in how she's hitting this head on, and if this is a marketing fiction ploy I don't care, it's fantastic. Plus, I lived a smaller version of what she's experiencing myself. But I lived it at age 19 and again at age 21. Those experiences definitely shaped a lot of my life decisions since then, for the better thank goodness. So it's cathartic reading this woman's words, because she is reinforcing me.
Which brings me back to this blog. What the hell can I write about that has nothing to do with illness, death, grief, hospitals, or anything related to same? I just don't want to write about any of that.
I've been sitting on something deep within my head and heart. I had no intention of writing about it in public. But reading that woman's blog, all the memories from 25 years ago and since started peeking through my mind. It's like connecting dots for me. The dots are various points in my life. They always lead forward, but there have been diversions sideways or backwards from time to time. Never for very long, never full on, just far enough to make sense or confirm what I questioned or missed from earlier dots. Like a mini do-over without actually having to go back and relive it. Confirmations.
So that's what I'll write about. And house stuff when I'm well enough to wade into that stuff. But now I have to rest again. I'm going to take my time with this. It won't be regularly posting. I'm not holding myself to this like a job. This has to be a happy, creative spot for me and it needs to stay that way. Which means I need to come and go at will. But I will always return. Hopefully once a week at least.
Off to eat some meds and sleep for now.
The start of a new year is always filled with great plans and intentions. I should have delayed firing back up this blog for a few months. It's just that I could barely hold everything in. Developments in November, 2011, felt like someone turned on a lighthouse and aimed the beam of light right at me. The light was continually passing over me but it wasn't fixed. I jumped the gun and fired up this blog before I was able to handle it.
While enduring symptoms, I found the best distractions to be twitter (politics, arts, news, healthcare), tv and movies. All mindless, no pressure, all the time. That was all I could handle. Off and on I was thinking about this blog. I haven't been here because I couldn't figure out what to write, that was worth the energy, that I was okay with being public about and might be mildly entertaining.
What I like about twitter is that you only have to type 140 characters and then you're done, if you want. Your favourite writers (tweeters) come to you via your subscriber feed, but only while you're logged in. It's like going to a social event you'd never get invited to in real life. You see lots of people, but manage to find those you actually have common interests with, so it's stimulating. It's great for getting your mind off pain. When you're sick, that's perfect.
A few of you, my fav bloggers, are on twitter so I'm staying in touch there. That is fabulous. Social media shouldn't be a job or depressing (ahem...facebook), it should be enjoyable. I've decided twitter appeals to me because it's where the smart people hang out. Not that *I* am smart, but I can be in company of stimulating conversations even if I happen to be stupid. I don't have to speak unless I want to. And I don't have to Like, Share, Join, or Fan anyone or anything. Peer pressure is quickly shut down by most. If you're on twitter, leave your twitter name in comments or email it to me so I can follow you and say boo! But I have not given up on blogging. Sometimes, you have so much to say, twitter doesn't cut it. And many of YOU are not on twitter, so here I am. Still.
So last night, a circuitous reading path lead me to a fantastic blogger. She's married, but working toward - with a uniquely dedicated positive clear force - divorcing her adulterous husband. Her blog must be started at the first entry so it flows. You won't get it, or enjoy it, unless you start at the beginning, which is here . So if you're bored with me, move on to her. I won't be offended.
It's not a happy topic per se. I'm not happy this woman is having this horrid experience. I'm reading it because she's a great writer, inspiring in how she's hitting this head on, and if this is a marketing fiction ploy I don't care, it's fantastic. Plus, I lived a smaller version of what she's experiencing myself. But I lived it at age 19 and again at age 21. Those experiences definitely shaped a lot of my life decisions since then, for the better thank goodness. So it's cathartic reading this woman's words, because she is reinforcing me.
Which brings me back to this blog. What the hell can I write about that has nothing to do with illness, death, grief, hospitals, or anything related to same? I just don't want to write about any of that.
I've been sitting on something deep within my head and heart. I had no intention of writing about it in public. But reading that woman's blog, all the memories from 25 years ago and since started peeking through my mind. It's like connecting dots for me. The dots are various points in my life. They always lead forward, but there have been diversions sideways or backwards from time to time. Never for very long, never full on, just far enough to make sense or confirm what I questioned or missed from earlier dots. Like a mini do-over without actually having to go back and relive it. Confirmations.
So that's what I'll write about. And house stuff when I'm well enough to wade into that stuff. But now I have to rest again. I'm going to take my time with this. It won't be regularly posting. I'm not holding myself to this like a job. This has to be a happy, creative spot for me and it needs to stay that way. Which means I need to come and go at will. But I will always return. Hopefully once a week at least.
Off to eat some meds and sleep for now.
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